Trashcan Treasure!

I have had enough!  I can no longer go without venting my frustration!  I warn you now that this blog entry is blatantly disturbing.  You’ve been warned.

So at my place of employment we have “low-flow” toilets and after several clogs management sent notice to all employees instructing them to try to use less toilet paper.  This has resulted in what I call “Visual Evil”.  Now I know that defecating (pooping) is a natural event.  And while I acknowledge that nature is taking place whenever the door to the bathroom closes, I don’t necessarily want to hear it, smell it or see it.

So lately when I go to use the restroom I am visually assaulted by what lurks in the trash can.  **Graphics details** Someone at my employment has decided that it is much better to wipe their ass and throw the “ass-wiped” tissue in the trash can rather than flush it down the toilet.  The first time I encountered this Trashcan Treasure I dismissed it as a one time thing and hoped that I wouldn’t be seeing anything like that again.  Disturbed and in desperate need of a disinfectant shower I hastily exited the restroom.  However true to my worst nightmare, this Trashcan Treasure has now become a regular occurrence and not just with “ass-wipeage”!  I’m talking about monthly female wipeage too!!  How anyone in their right mind cannot find this disturbing is DISTURBING!  And it appears that I’m the only one at my employment to be disgusted by this visual toxic waste!

A coworker suggested that I say something.  But what do you say and to whom?  For all I know its one of the managers! I’m to the point where I’m going to either pick up the trashcan walk into the bullpen offices and shout “WTF IS THIS?!” or place a sign above the toilet that reads “PLEASE FLUSH YOUR USED TISSUE!  DO NOT THROW USED TISSUE IN THE TRASHCAN FOR OTHERS TO SEE!”

The simple solution? Double flush people!!  If you think you’re going to clog the toilet with either the size of the log or the numerous wads of toilet paper DOUBLE FLUSH!!  How hard is it?!  Geeezzzz People!!  I really don’t want to see what looks like a murder scene cover-up or a poorly executed sewage spill clean-up in a restroom trashcan!

Spelling Unchecker

As our society becomes more technically advanced, we start relying on our tech gadgets to do everyday tasks.  Instead of actually using our brains and doing the task ourselves we simply click a button and magically the hard work is done for us.  While this simplicity definitely has its benefits, it can demonstrate how our society has been “Dumbed Down” from its apparent over-use.

Take for example this letter I received from a racer looking for sponsorship from my company.

“okay i understand what your saying we will start woeking on that right away and get it to you i couldnt thank you enuff this will realy help use. we would be willing to run anything you want we have a box van to that you can sticker up the out side. we are realy just trying to get in this year and try to get noticed in supercross and out dores we are realy pushing hard to make enuff money to make it to all of them. next year thoe i wont be at mmi anymore and i am taking him and the van going to every race”

I’m pretty sure that this racer used Microsoft Word’s new Spelling Unchecker feature.  Note that there isn’t a single capitalized word in the entire sentence structure.  I really like the spelling of the word “Enough” and “Outdoors”.  On the up-side, reading this email did bring a smile to my face, however it does demonstrate how stupid we’ve actually become.  Was the user just too lazy to take the time and use correct grammar and punctuation? Perhaps “Ungood Grammar” is the next cool thing for teens.  Let me give it a go…

i must say that not having to use the shift key does help save time and im finding that using puncuation realy is a pain in the ass i think i saved a cuple of seconds by not using the dot button wow i realy like this new kind of grammer maybe i shud do this all the time imagin all the time we wud save if all of us rote this way. suddenly im becoming a fan of ungood grammer i cud get use to this…

Parking Cards

While most of us are kind considerate drivers who obey most of the traffic rules and regulations. There are some people who take it upon themselves to purposely disobey some rules of common courtesy.  One of my pet peeves is the inconsiderate driver that doesn’t park between the white lines when parking.  This drives me INSANE!  It bugs me so much that I’ve designed parking cards that I stick on their car just to make them aware that their parking job is less than satisfactory.

For the most part, I see the less than steller parking job and simply insert the card into the slot on the drivers side window. Occasionally I get to see the person pick up the card read it, look at his parking job and start laughing.  I’ve been to a bar where I placed a card on an old mustang only to have the driver later come in laughing showing the card to everyone in the bar.  However on Tuesday my co-workers and I went out to lunch and as I pulled into the small parking lot I noticed a white mini-van parked diagonal in two spots.  As soon as the mini-van was spotted, the parking card was out of my purse and in my hand.  This job required a bit of reconnaissance as the mini-van was parked directly in front of the restaurant.  So I put the card in my back pocket and we all walk into the restaurant.  When we are seated I evaluate the people who are sitting in the restaurant.

“Who looks like the looser who would not only drive a mini-van but would also take up two parking spots…”

Then I spot him… He’s sitting on the side of the restaurant and from his position he can’t see his car.  So I start planning my mission.  Fortunately he gets up and goes to the restroom.  Instantly I get up, walk outside and place the card in his window.  I come back inside and head towards the restroom myself.  The guy comes out of the restroom I give him a smile as I pass him then he starts walking to his car.

Apparently once he saw the card on his car and read it, he instantly went from calm to ballistic.  My coworkers called my cell telling me not to come out of the bathroom.  The man was so angry that he came back in the restaurant and asked every patron in the restaurant if they had placed the card on his car.  Once it was determined that the person was not in the restaurant he went to the next two businesses to see if the criminal was located in those facilities.  I came out of the bathroom and walked to my table just to see the angry bad-parker get into his car and pull away.

Now I really would have been interested to have confronted this guy and listened to what he had to say.  What rebuttal could he possibly have for taking up two parking spots in a small parking lot?  Please explain it to me…  Do you not see the white lines?  Perhaps you don’t understand common courtesy.  Perhaps… like it says on the card, you need to go back to the DMV and learn what it means to park between the white lines!

Funny Letter to Continental Airlines

I found this while looking for a new dobe breeder…  I just about died laughing!

Defeated…

Did you ever have one of those experiences with something so simple yet the outcome is so ridiculously bad that you can hardly believe it even happened?  You stand back and think WTF just happened?  I’ve experienced this humbling emotion yesterday while attempting to mow the lawn.  Now it’s a documented fact that most pieces of electronics, particularly copy machines don’t get along with me.  I can almost visualize the motherboard giving me the evil eye as I walk just inches from paper spitting distance.  While this electronic hatred has been confined to mostly high technology equipment, I’ve realized that it also includes small engine machines as well.

So… My lawn is currently a residential jungle.  The grass is grossly overgrown and badly encroaches into the sidewalk and driveway area.  For the most part I’ve had some good excuses as to why I’ve allowed my urban jungle to flourish to this extent.  A bad hangnail, global warming, untied shoes…  Yesterday I was forced to traverse the overgrown crab grass and weeds while I was getting my mail.  As annoying as lawn mowing is, its more annoying picking out stickers, twigs and clover prickle peas out of your socks just to get the mail.  I decided to finally mow the lawn.

After picking out all the stickers I went in the house and changed my shoes then made my way to the garage.  But before I get to the garage, the lawn mower begins sending evil vibes to the dining room chair which I promptly trip over and land on my knee.  WTF?  I look at my knee which has already started turning red and blue.  Picking myself up I continue to the garage.  While walking to the lawn mower, my shirt catches on the corner of the workbench and rips a nice hole in it.  Geeezzzzz!  All these occurrences should have been omens of what was yet to come, but I was determined to tame my yard.  I open the side yard gate and prime the lawn mower.  After engaging the starter, I quickly yanked the starter cord to start the mower.  Somehow in the process of yanking the cord I ripped half my fingernail off.  Mother F&*KER!  I kicked the mower and went into the house to apply a Band-Aid.  I walk back out to the lawn mower and begin the starting process again… Prime, engage, Yank. Yank, Yank, Yank, Yank, Yank…Kick, Yank, Yank, Yank, Yank.  Kick, Kick, Kick. So, I find out that the starting gauge is not fully pulled back so I get a hammer and lightly tap it back. I grab the starting cord and yank again.  This time I lose my grip on the cord and my hand flys back and I clobber myself in the jaw. MOTHER F%#KER C&%KSUCKER!!  Stunned and embarrassed my rage towards the evil mower is rapidly accelerating!  I decide to try to start the mower one last time before I roll it out onto the busy street into oncoming traffic… Engage, Yank, PRRRRRRRRRR!  Finally I have a purring mower!

Happily I walk my purring mower to the front yard and begin mowing the weeds and overgrown grass.  The mower and I seem to have come to a truce and I continue to mow the lawn.  Suddenly the mower abruptly stops in its tracks and stalls.  The stop is so sudden that the handle of the mower rams me in my gut and I buckle over the handle almost falling on top of the mower.  MOTHER F%@KER, C&#KSUCKER, WHORE!  This was the last straw!  I kicked the mower, grabbed its handle lifted the mower off its rear wheels and violently thrust it back down on the ground.  My cussing and violent shaking of the mower hasn’t gone unnoticed as I realize I’m being observed by my neighbor…

“It’s possessed by an evil demon…” I explain

“Of course.” She says.

My neighbor then retreats into the safety and security of her home.

Embarrassed and angry that a stupid lawn mower could defeat me; I decided that I would pay the neighborhood kid to continue this battle with my lawn mower while I happily watch from my living room window.  As I wheeled the mower into the backyard and was about to kick it one last time for good measure, I’m sure I distinctly heard an evil laugh escape from the mower’s grass collection bin.

Don’t Taunt the Driver!

So we took the new boat to the river this last weekend and Jeff’s niece and nephew came along for the trip.  The niece and nephew are 10 and 12 years old so they are at the stage of thinking that they’re smarter than everyone else.  So Jeff and I take the kids tubing.  Tubing is where you tow an inflatable raft behind a boat at about 30 MPH.  The raft seats three people and has handles to hold onto during rough conditions.  Tubing has two purposes… 1) To the rafter -To hold on and have a good time.  2) To the Driver – To make the rafters lose their grip and fall into the water.

So we are towing the kids up and down the river and Brandon, Jeff’s nephew is getting a little bored and starts taunting the driver of the boat.  Taunting the driver is like teasing an angry bull.  The more you taunt the more effort is made into dismounting the rafter.  So we start weaving the boat into tighter turns.  Turning the boat throws the raft outside the wake and sometimes you can occasionally lose a rafter as the tube flys over the wake.  Unfortunately the kids are holding on tight so they stay put on the raft.  Because he’s not being challenged enough, Brandon continues to taunt the driver.  We then turned the boat sharp to the left then immediately back to the right.  In the process of making this maneuver, the boat slaps back down on its hull and created a “Wall Of Water” which quickly engulfed the two kids on the small raft.   Brandon who was in the process of shouting out taunts took a mouthful of water which he spat out in a long stream.  You’d think that the “wall of water” would have loosen the grips of the kids but they continued their handholds and didn’t give us the signal that they were done.

So we continue up the river turning tight left then tight right…  Still the kids held fast.  So we decided to switch it up a bit and make a couple of donuts (making complete circles).  We make one circle then make another.  The wake that this maneuvre created was HUGE and as we powered out of our circle, the small raft with the two kids literally launched off one of these huge wakes.  The kids and the raft flew about six feet into the air.  The look on the kids’ faces was priceless.  I have never in my life seen eyes and mouths opened so wide.  Amazingly the kids stayed on the raft even after the raft re-entered earth’s atmosphere.  The driver, spotter and I just about died laughing.

We slowed to a stop and Brandon is having the time of his life.  He can’t stop talking about how high he was.  Brittney is just about on the verge of tears, but also admidts that it was “So Cool!”.  We get back to shore and the kids make sure that everyone on the sandbar knows how high they flew.  I have both pictures and videos I just don’t have it uploaded yet.  As soon as I do I’ll give out a notice.

If you ever get a chance, you must try tubing.  Just don’t taunt the driver!

I Think I’ll Grab this Vine… WTF?!!

So I spent Sunday at my parents house in Alpine celebrating father’s day.  My family’s estate is beautifully adorned with koi ponds, gardens, flowers, wisteria and quite a variety of other plant life.   While my own home is still in its renovation phase, I like gathering the seeds that are popping up at my parents house.  My mom’s wisteria has sprouted hundreds of pea pods and half are just about ready to pop open with wisteria seeds.  I absolutely LOVE wisteria so I decide that I’m going to pull off of couple of pods and bring them home for my own garden.  I pull off one pod, then I reach for the second.  Suddenly just as I’m reaching for the second pod, I see something that doesn’t belong in a wisteria vine..

The vine that I’m just about to grab is actually a four foot long California King Snake.  He’s halfwalf curled up in a bird’s nest that was also entangled in the wisteria vines.  Now I’m not particularly scared of snakes, it’s just that a snake was the last thing I was thinking about grabbing.  So I quickly grabbed my phone and took some pictures and two quick videos.

It was actually really cool since it had been a long time since I had last seen a wild snake.  Check out the videos below…

done

done

So my slithery little friend slinked away down the vine and into the bush at the base of an old oak tree.

Backfired!

I will happily admit that I’m a prankster.   And I love thinking of new and fun ways to get a laugh out of people.  Especially to people with no sense of humor.  I will actually spend hours hashing out a good prank plan then make a laundry list of supplies that I’d need to pull off the operation successfully.

So I decided to pull a prank on the warehouse manager.  While this manager was busy in a meeting I went out into the parking lot and attached several aluminum cans tied to twine to his bumper.  I then slyly tucked the cans up into the inside of the bumper so that he would not see the cans when went to leave for the day.  So the end of the day comes around and the receptionist (who assisted in this prank) and I are talking in the parking lot.  I get into my car and roll down the window so I can continue talking.  We wait for the warehouse manager to come out.  He comes out and gets into his car, but he’s not driving away.  We wait a couple of minutes but still he doesn’t move from his parking spot.  I’m dying to hear the cans drop as he pulls away – but HE’S NOT MOVING!!  By this time I’m getting frustrated and I gesture to the receptionist “What the Hell?!”  Then it happens… I hear a can drop.  I quickly look at the warehouse manager’s car… No can behind bumper… Hmmm   But then it registers… the dropping can sound is too close to be one of the cans attached to the warehouse manager’s car.  BASTARD!!!

He is laughing uncontrollably as I get out of my car and inspect my bumper which I find has all the cans attached to it and all but one hidden up inside!!!  The receptionist is just about peeing in her pants and tears are streaming down her face.  Apparently one of the warehouse workers who was eating his lunch in his car had seen the receptionist and I attaching the cans to the manager’s car and had snitched on us.  Sometime during the day the manager had then removed the cans from his own car and promptly reattached them to my own!

That should have been the end of my prankster days…  But in actuality it started a prank war!!

Ghost Moose

My posts are usually on the humorous side, so I decided to switch it up and make the hairs on your neck stand up…

For those of you who don’t know this story…  Moose, my beloved doberman died of cancer back in October of 2008.  He was only five years old so when he came down with cancer I was devastated.  I was at Lorretta Lynns Racetrack when I received the grim word from Moose’s vet.  There was nothing that could be done as the cancer had already spread to several other major organs.  We decided that we would let Moose tell us when he was ready to go.  A week later the sparkle in Moose’s eye was gone and he barely moved from where he slept.  We made the tough decision to let him go peacefully and without pain.  He died in our arms at the vet’s office.  It was the saddest most painful day of my entire life.

Because Moose was my child and because I could not bear to have him buried with other dogs or creamated with other dogs, I decided that I would have Moose creamated by himself so that we could have his ashes.  Well it took a couple of weeks but finally Moose came back in a small wooden cedar box labelled “Moose”.  He was placed on the mantel in the living room along with his collar.  That night the visiting began.

Our roommate woke up at about three in the morning to the sound of ringing bells.  Now understand that had I trained Moose to ring these jingle bells when he wanted out.  So the bells are ringing in the living room and our roommate is freaking out because he doesn’t believe in ghosts and he cannot explain what is happening.  Another night goes by and nothing.  Perhaps this was just in our imagination.   The following night, we hear the clicking of Moose’s nails on the hardwood floor walking up and down the hallway.  Over the weekend, we have two guests over who are sleeping in the living room on the pullout couch.  The next morning, we asked the guest how they slept and the guests tell us that the bells were ringing all night and that they couldn’t sleep.  Both myself and my roommate went completely white as it proved it wasn’t just us hearing the bells and wasn’t a figment of our imagination.

So J is home working in the office when he hears the bells ringing in the living room.  He walks out and the bells are swinging from their loop.  Indy Bear (our roommate’s dog) was alseep in the office and the door the bells are attached to is closed.  So J walks over to Moose’s ash box and tells him that nobody can replace the Moose and that we’ll always love him no matter how much time passes.

Moose hasn’t made any kind of appearance since that day.

Make your own conclusion, but it comforts me to think that Moose came back to us, if only for just a little while.

An Important Decision is Made!

Managers.  Managers are important people.  Managers have many tasks to perform on a daily basis.  Managers have bold and capitalized titles on their business cards.  Managers have tough decisions to make.  Managers in a nutshell are Gods!  and I AM A MANAGER!

As a manager, I occasionally have to make decisions which affect the direction that the corporation with take.  Usually these decisions require extensive research on the positive or negative consequences that either decision will bring about.  Will the decision cost us more money in the long run?  Will the decision bring an influx of sales to a particular region?  Regardless, information and education is required to make the decision.  Which is why I cannot explain why I used the Magic 8 Ball to make an important business decision…

Yes, I actually own a Magic 8 Ball.  And yes, it sits on the corner of my desk.

Could this decision to utilize the Magic 8 Ball have cost the corporation more money?  “Signs Point to No”
Was it the right decision? “You May Rely On It”
Have I just found the most effective method of running an organization? “Without A Doubt”

It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Knowing that this little ball of blue liquid and its mystical magic die hold the keys to a prosperous and profitable future for this corporation.  Gone are the requirements for extensive data.  Gone are the worries associated with a bad decision because  I realize now there is no such thing as a bad decision, its just simply wasn’t meant to be.

My Magic 8 Ball knows and sees all and because it’s so reliable, I reference its knowledge on a daily basis.  Sales are up, our market share is up, profits are up.

So, will I be getting a raise as a result of the important decisions that I’ve made by using the Magic 8 Ball?   “My Sources Say No”     Damn…