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Archive for March, 2009

Odorific Horror

I enjoy hand writing letters to my grandparents, aunts and other family members.  I even seal my hand written letters with a sealing wax and a monogram sealer.  So this past Sunday I was home alone and decided to write my BUG (Back Up Grandparents) a letter.

I pulled out my parchment paper, my sealing wax, the monogram sealer and my fountain pen and started to get to work.  My roommate’s dog Indy Bear walked into the living room and sat down on his bed next to me enjoying the quiet silence of a pen scratching on paper.

Two paragraphs into my letter a hear a disturbing sound       PSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTT… I look down at Indy who’s fast asleep on his bed.  The horror that shortly followed this sound was something directly out of a Dean Koontz novel.  First my nose started to tingle.  Then the thick, cold, noxious cloud hit with full effect.  My eyes started watering and I quickly pulled my shirt up over my nose and mouth.

“Jesus Indy!  What did you eat?  Roadkill?” I gasp

Indy just looks up and licks his lips and I read in his manner  “You ain’t seen nutin yet…”

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The toxic cloud slowly dissipates and I try to continue my letter although I do notice that my hands are trembling and I’ve developed a twitch in my left eye.  I see Indy get up and circle his bed, then lay back down.  Then I see it.  I see his stumpy tail lift slightly!  Oh NO!!! Not again!!!

This time its silent, and the shirt covering my nose and mouth is no match for this flatulent monster.  The odor enters my nasal cavity like a midnight rapist!  My chest starts to tighten and I’ve lost all sensation in my face.  My tears have become acid rain droplets.

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By this time my shirt is stained with the smell of rancid dog fart and  I’ve resorted to holding a pillow to my face.  I try to continue my letter.  The trembling has gotten worse…

Psssssst….. Pssssssssttttttt…. PSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTT… Pssst

I’ve started to drool at this point and my drool is pooling on my letter.  The ink starts to swirl in the drool pool.   The pillow is saturated with Indy’s onslaught and no longer protects my delicate lungs from his unearthly foulness.  I can no longer see straight and although I’ve tried to leave the couch several times, my legs spasm at my request for locomotion.  My heart palpitations are severe and the ringing in my ears is deafening.

After several minutes of me having an epileptic fit on the couch the air clears and I slowly regain the use of my legs.  All I can think about is clean fresh air, void of any after effects of Indy’s dinner at the Cat Poop Buffet.  I struggle to my feet and the room starts spinning… The door… I must get to the door…

Finally I make it to the door just as Indy lets loose another barrage of toxic waste. I open the door and a blast of clean crisp air enters my badly scorched lungs.  AIR!!!

I know now the devil resides in Indy’s bowels.  I’ve clearly angered this demon and although I am considering calling an exorcist, I’ve decided to stop by G.I. Joe’s for a gas mask.  Hopefully they have one in pink.

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OK, I’m not a genius by any means.  I once cut my hand open with a butterknife.  And let’s not forget how I chopped off my finger…  But I truly don’t understand some people and their mental thought processes.  To my little blond pea brain, these processes seem so stupid, bordering on asinine!  The logical explanation of “Why” escapes me.  Take for example this picture I snapped while at a stop light.

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The guy has stickers of chickens on the back window.  Chickens?  Officially, one white chicken and one red chicken.  Did chickens become the next COOL sticker to have?  Kinda like the hot devil chick and hot angel chick stickers who look like their squatting over invisible toilets.  Maybe…   I’ve even seen some trucks with cow stickers.  Cows and chickens?  But really it all seems so stupid to me.  If it was a sticker of an animal that had a genuine “coolness factor” sharks, bears, wolves etc I could undstand.  But chickens?  It just seems… well… Dumb.  Just my opinion…

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Move Over Snuggie!

If you’ve watched any television from around Christmas time till now then you’ve problably seen the infomercials for the Snuggie.  Basically its a robe that you put on backwards while you’re watching television.  Well I’ve found an even better product!  Enter: COUCH DRESS!!

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This is an actual product that you can purchase.   http://www.pantalaine.com/couchdress.html

Now who in their right mind doesn’t want a dress that looks like it weighs 100 lbs and covers an area the size of a small living room?!  AND at a reasonable $349 you can purchase more than one!

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My New Pets

Sitting on the couch last week watching one of life’s meaningless reality shows that’s so stupid I can’t seem to pull away from the couch nor can I successfully change the channel; I saw an infomercial for “ShamWOW” the super absorbent fabric that quickly and easily soaks up small lakes and reservoirs. This got me thinking of all the products that I’ve Seen On TV that I would actually want to purchase. There are two that I can think of: 1. Snuggie® and 2. Sea Monkeys

I made my wish come true while at Target. Cruising down the toy isle I found my true life’s calling… Sea Monkey Husbandry! I selected the 8oz terrarium with the included wrist watch water terrarium! Quickly I raced home to begin my new hobby.

Sea Monkeys thrive in Spring Water but the only spring water I had was my Earthquake Preparedness Water Supply Kit. I thought about it for a moment. Earthquake… Sea Monkeys… Dying of thirst as a result of the earthquake… Sea Monkeys…. SEA MONKEYS OF COURSE!!! I quickly ripped apart the earthquake kit to access the spring water and poured it into the Sea Monkey terrarium. A day later I pour in the Sea Monkey eggs.

One day goes by and nothing by stillness. Two days go by and still nothing… On the third day when I was just about to toss my Sea Monkey terrarium and it’s unborn contents into my neighbors pool I saw a flicker of movement. I have SEA MONKEYS!!! After a closer inspection I actually have 100s of them. They are so small you can hardly see them. They scoot around in little endless circles. Fascinating!

It is day number six and my Sea Monkey Husbandry is progressing nicely, as they are eating each other and not the food that I give them. My Sea Monkey count has dwindled rapidly from 100s to maybe ten. I watch the remaining monkeys chase after each other and maneuver past the floating food in order to capture their siblings. Ok so maybe this Sea Monkey thing wasn’t such a good idea…

It’s plainly obvious that I am a poor Sea Monkey parent as I observe the pale green terrarium water and its lonely cannibalistic residents. As I lament over my failing brood, I only wish I had a Snuggie® to comfort me…

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Poop… We all do it.  And lets face it… Its fun to talk about.  We all have stories about Poop.  The Poop that didn’t want to come out.  The Poop that came out with such furocity that it cracked the bowl… The Poop that was so long it could have been used to moore up the Titanic.  So, cruising on the internet I found a new product that can actually make the process of pooping even MORE fun!

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“It’s About to get Poopy!!”  So… Kids take these little “Safe-Glide” applicators, stick them up their butts and out pops poop in the shape of stars and hearts!  YAY!  Why have normal round poop when you can have square poop, or triangle poop!  Can life get any better?

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Google is one of life’s conveniences that I can’t seem to imagine how I ever lived without it.  And as time goes by and Google becomes more technically advanced by almost telepathically interpreting what I’m about to type, it makes life just that more interesting…

202484_m730_____1Apparently Google knows questions I want to know before I even know I want to know them…  Questions like : Why do I have no friends…  or Why do I have Gas?  Or my personal favorite… Why do I have green poop…  And the fact that this question “Why do I have Green Poop” was searched for by over 500,000 people is FANTASTIC!  It just makes my day!

I cry a happy tear as I invision 500,000 people sitting on a toilet, doing their dooty then getting up and looking at it and saying… “Holy cow!  My poop is green!  Why the hell is my poop green? I think I’ll Google it!”

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Almost every time I say to myself… “Now I’ve seen it all…”  Life reminds me that I have yet only scratched its surface.  And if I continue to pick at its porous skin, it can erupt a ridiculous ooozz that resembles human life.  Life is interesting to say the least…  But its even more so when you’ve got individuals who challenge the conventional way of “Normal” thinking…  That brings me to my first picture.

img000341I was visiting a friend in Corona, driving into the parking lot of her complex when I saw this man standing next to a blue little ball.  Only the ball was moving in erratic patterns… It would zig a little to the right, then move backwards a tad.  The move a little to the left and head straight towards the pole support of the car port.  I could not resist… I had to ask… “What the Fuck is that?”  The guy laughed and said he’s taking his Guinea Pig for a walk.  “Oh, very good” I said. “That’s something you see everyday…”

Which brings me to my next picture.

img00071I snapped this pic while walking to Chili’s Restaurant with my coworkers.  “Lost Parakeet” Really? “$100 Reward”  Really?  First… Lets forget the fact that birds fly and usually roost in tall trees.  If I remember correctly 40 people are killed each year climbing trees in the US… (trying to save lost Parakeets? Maybe.)  Lets also forget that parakeets can be bought for $2.00 at a pet store.  And lets also forget that to make the hundreds of flyers that were posted throughout the city of Vista took probably more than $2.00.  Is a lost parakeet really worth the risk of life and limb to:

1. Climb a tree and break a few bones on the way down?

2. Risk a loss of a finger to an unhappy Parakeet unwilling to be rescued?

Perhaps…

Perhaps this parakeet cooked breakfast every morning, then swept the floors and then did its little birdie poops in toilet to warrant a $100 reward…  Perhaps it simply sat in its cage day in day out and tweeted every now and then.  I’m leaning towards a Cooking/Cleaning/Potty Trained Parakeet.  Now, where’s my ladder.

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