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Archive for July, 2009

Defeated…

Did you ever have one of those experiences with something so simple yet the outcome is so ridiculously bad that you can hardly believe it even happened?  You stand back and think WTF just happened?  I’ve experienced this humbling emotion yesterday while attempting to mow the lawn.  Now it’s a documented fact that most pieces of electronics, particularly copy machines don’t get along with me.  I can almost visualize the motherboard giving me the evil eye as I walk just inches from paper spitting distance.  While this electronic hatred has been confined to mostly high technology equipment, I’ve realized that it also includes small engine machines as well.

So… My lawn is currently a residential jungle.  The grass is grossly overgrown and badly encroaches into the sidewalk and driveway area.  For the most part I’ve had some good excuses as to why I’ve allowed my urban jungle to flourish to this extent.  A bad hangnail, global warming, untied shoes…  Yesterday I was forced to traverse the overgrown crab grass and weeds while I was getting my mail.  As annoying as lawn mowing is, its more annoying picking out stickers, twigs and clover prickle peas out of your socks just to get the mail.  I decided to finally mow the lawn.

After picking out all the stickers I went in the house and changed my shoes then made my way to the garage.  But before I get to the garage, the lawn mower begins sending evil vibes to the dining room chair which I promptly trip over and land on my knee.  WTF?  I look at my knee which has already started turning red and blue.  Picking myself up I continue to the garage.  While walking to the lawn mower, my shirt catches on the corner of the workbench and rips a nice hole in it.  Geeezzzzz!  All these occurrences should have been omens of what was yet to come, but I was determined to tame my yard.  I open the side yard gate and prime the lawn mower.  After engaging the starter, I quickly yanked the starter cord to start the mower.  Somehow in the process of yanking the cord I ripped half my fingernail off.  Mother F&*KER!  I kicked the mower and went into the house to apply a Band-Aid.  I walk back out to the lawn mower and begin the starting process again… Prime, engage, Yank. Yank, Yank, Yank, Yank, Yank…Kick, Yank, Yank, Yank, Yank.  Kick, Kick, Kick. So, I find out that the starting gauge is not fully pulled back so I get a hammer and lightly tap it back. I grab the starting cord and yank again.  This time I lose my grip on the cord and my hand flys back and I clobber myself in the jaw. MOTHER F%#KER C&%KSUCKER!!  Stunned and embarrassed my rage towards the evil mower is rapidly accelerating!  I decide to try to start the mower one last time before I roll it out onto the busy street into oncoming traffic… Engage, Yank, PRRRRRRRRRR!  Finally I have a purring mower!

Happily I walk my purring mower to the front yard and begin mowing the weeds and overgrown grass.  The mower and I seem to have come to a truce and I continue to mow the lawn.  Suddenly the mower abruptly stops in its tracks and stalls.  The stop is so sudden that the handle of the mower rams me in my gut and I buckle over the handle almost falling on top of the mower.  MOTHER F%@KER, C&#KSUCKER, WHORE!  This was the last straw!  I kicked the mower, grabbed its handle lifted the mower off its rear wheels and violently thrust it back down on the ground.  My cussing and violent shaking of the mower hasn’t gone unnoticed as I realize I’m being observed by my neighbor…

“It’s possessed by an evil demon…” I explain

“Of course.” She says.

My neighbor then retreats into the safety and security of her home.

Embarrassed and angry that a stupid lawn mower could defeat me; I decided that I would pay the neighborhood kid to continue this battle with my lawn mower while I happily watch from my living room window.  As I wheeled the mower into the backyard and was about to kick it one last time for good measure, I’m sure I distinctly heard an evil laugh escape from the mower’s grass collection bin.

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