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Archive for June, 2010

The Vulgarities of Golf

I’m normally a sweet tempered girl who is respectful of others and would overall be considered a “good sport” when it comes to losing.  However I’ve noticed that whenever I play golf another darker, sinister side of Farrah starts to emerge.  My usual toned down cuss-words of “Dirty Bird” or “Poop!” is strangely replaced by “Cock Sucker!” and “Mother Fucker!” as I attempt to keep my ball in the fairway.

Understand that I don’t play Golf very frequently, so I know that my swing will be “off” and expect the occasional slice or two.  But besides the inconsistent swings one thing I can never get-over is that the first tee is ALWAYS situated so that at least twelve people are watching and evaluating if you should actually be on a professional Golf course rather than be teeing off at the local miniature golf center.  This fact just adds to my frustration when teeing off.  In past games my first swing results in the ball just barely making it past the tee box.  This quickly produces cuss words uttered quietly to myself.  Invariably my father will shout “Keep your head down” and naturally as a woman, any hint of direction or instruction is perceived as a direct threat to my personal being…  Sinister Farrah deploys the evil eye and pulls out another ball and tee for a second attempt.  But usually my second swing results in a sharp slice into the next fairway.  It’s frustrating to say the least especially when I know exactly what I’m doing wrong.

No matter how many games I play, there are holes that I master and get par and then there are holes that I completely flop on.  As soon as I hit a good ball the cheerful, angelic Farrah appears.  However at my worse, my brother swears that birds were dropping dead out of the trees due to my swearing.  Granted I’ve never taken my clubs and broken them over my knee, but I’ve come close to launching the offending club into the nearest water hazard.  It doesn’t help the situation but it sure feels better, since my poor performance is clearly the club’s fault!

My most recent game was Sunday at Sycuan Resort with my mother and father and I must say that I think I only shouted vulgarities once or twice! Much improved from my past games that’s for sure!  For the majority of the game I was either par or one over par.  Not too shabby for someone who only plays golf once or twice every two months.  I am attributing this “good game fluke” to the alignment of the stars and I fully recognize that my next game may be akin to a sailors convention.  Golf is probably one of the most enjoyable yet at the same time the most infuriating games ever invented.  No matter how much you practice you’ll have days when you feel you should be joining the PGA and then there are times where you feel like strangling the nearest person with your insolent, underperforming clubs.

But the next time you’re playing a round and your ball continually ventures into the next fairway, look at it this way… If you’re going to pay for a round of golf, then by God you’re going to play the entire fairway and fairway to the left and maybe the fairway to the right as well!!

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