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Archive for December, 2011

My mother hosts a HUGE Christmas party every year.  She breaks out over 15 bins of Christmas decorations and not only decorates the ENTIRE inside of the house but also decorates the outside of the house and by the front gate.  Part of the decorations in the master living room is a long criss-crossing section of garland that goes from each corner of the room and meets in the center.  From this garland my mom hangs numerous traditional ornaments.  My brother and I developed a tradition from this annual hanging of the garland.  Each year, when my brother and I slave away hanging all the decorations we include at least one “Inappropriate Ornament”.  We don’t tell mom what the Inappropriate Ornament is, instead we allow her to discover the treasure on her own.  My brother and I have been doing this tradition for several years now.  It originated as a protest to having spent multiple hours hanging thousands of ornaments. Our first Inappropriate Ornament was a roll of scotch tape hanging in the middle of the crisscross section.  The second year it was a hole punch.  Then came the empty toilet paper roll.   Last year the ornament type took a turn to the gutter-side of town as we hung up a condom.  This year the ornament needed to surpass the condom ornament.  What would convey holiday cheer and make the viewer shout “GOOD LORD”?   Simple… Menstruation! So we got a panty liner, punched a hole in it and hung it up.  Apparently just a plain panty liner wasn’t enough for my brother so he added some red ink to the middle of it.  I must say the red ink did add that festive cheer that the plain pad was lacking.

 

 

A week before the party my family is having dinner and my mom asks my brother and I.

 

“OK where is it?”

“Oh it’s there.  You’ll see it” My brother says.

 

My mom then studies every inch of the garland, finally she sees the new ornament.

 

“OH MY GOD!!!  FARRAH LEE!!!  NATHAN JOE!!!”

 

I chime in “If you take that down we’ll put up something even worse!”

 

By now my mom knows that both my brother and I will make good on our threat!  My mom is crying with laughter at the sight of the panty liner ornament.  She keeps repeating “OH My God!”.

 

Finally the day of the party comes and by now a good majority of the guests know about the ornament tradition.  So from the moment they arrive they start searching for the added treasure.  Some of the guests who spot the ornament come over to my mom and quietly whisper “Do you know there’s a panty liner in your décor?” to which my mom replies “Unfortunately yes”.  Other guests shout, “Is that a… a… pad?” and burst out laughing.  Who says menstruation can’t be fun!

 

Meanwhile my brother and I are laughing our asses off at my mom’s embarrassment.  Aren’t family traditions great!!  So come Thanksgiving my brother and I will be scheming what the 2012 Inappropriate Christmas Ornament should be.  Merry Christmas!

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