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Archive for August, 2012

Filterless People

We’ve all come across people who are extremely guarded about their person.  These people are often easily embarrassed discussing personal topics and will avoid bodily function topics at all costs.  Then there are the people who were born without “Filters”.  These filter-less people have no qualms about discussing their personal functions.  They can easily converse with others on topics that would make another person cringe.  From menstruation to defecation and flatulence the conversation easily flows out their mouths.  I happen to be acquainted with a filter-less individual.

The entertaining aspect of filter-less people is that you really never know what’s going to come out of their mouth.  At a dinner for example when the waiter asks how you’re doing this fine evening.  The typical response is, “Very good, Thank you.”  Not “Well my gout is acting up and I’ve got hemorrhoids the size of Texas”.  (Yes, this really happened).  The waiter stares blankly and I can read in his expression, “Did I really just hear that?”  Yes, hemorrhoids the size of Texas…

I’ve realized for the filter-less people, it’s vitally important that others FULLY comprehend the nature of your sickness or malady.  This usually includes grotesque hand gestures and bodily function sound effects.  Here are just two of the many verbal descriptions that I’ve heard.

“I’ve got it coming out both ends!”  (I admit this one is tame)

“If I could just get this diarrhea under control, but I’m peeing out my ass.”

The latest round of “WTMI” (Way Too Much Information) came in the form of an email, explaining in detail why we haven’t seen this individual in two days.  Here’s a small excerpt from the email.

“At the hospital they performed a “Colonoscopy” (camera up my ass) and I was diagnosed with “Diverticulitis”; small pockets within my large intestine where my waste material can build-up like peanuts & seeds and partially block the intestine’s flow. They also found a “Polyp” growing inside, which I will have to get further treatment on. I’ve had “Diverticulitis” before about 4-5 years ago and at that time I was in and out of the clinic within two hours since the bleeding was minimal and with antibiotics + flushing of my intestines, everything cleaned-up quickly. This time was more problematic because of the infection and the amount of blood loss.”  The email goes on and on.

I’m considering myself very lucky that I didn’t get pictures enclosed with the email as verifiable proof of said malady!!!

Here’s the correct way to describe this illness.

“I’m sick.” Or “ I’ve been sick”

The correct way doesn’t inspire my vivid imagination to conjure up the “Extreme and Unrelenting” diarrhea visual.  It explains with an excellent lack of detail that you aren’t feeling well.

I’m sure there are some individuals that clamor to this type of gross anatomy explanation.  But I for one would preferably like to receive this type of information in as little detail as possible, especially from this particular individual.  Maybe this could be made possible by an organism similar to the Babel Fish.  It would take the above email and automatically convert it to a filtered format.  See below after a Babel Fish translation.  (Read The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy if you don’t know what a Babel Fish is)

“At the hospital they performed a “Colonoscopy” (camera up my ass) and I was diagnosed with “Diverticulitis” small pockets within my large intestine where my waste material can build-up like peanuts & seeds and partially block the intestine’s flow. They also found a “Polyp” growing inside, which I will have to get further treatment on. I’ve had “Diverticulitis” before about 4-5 years ago and at that time I was in and out of the clinic within two hours since the bleeding was minimal and with antibiotics + flushing of my intestines, everything cleaned-up quickly. This time was more problematic because of the infection and the amount of blood loss.

See?!  The explanation is clear and if I wanted to learn more about the graphic symptoms and effects of Diverticulitis, I can look it up on Google!

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My Train Friends

As most of you know, I’ve started riding the train to work.  It started with my car getting repaired and the shop wouldn’t be finished with my car before they closed.  That forced me to find another way home.  So when J was unable to come and get me I decided to take the Sprinter train home.  Riding the Sprinter was actually surprisingly quick, fun and easy.  I got home just 15 minutes later than I normally would have (due to traffic on eastbound 78).  Riding the train allows me to read or play games on my Nexus all stress-free.  So after that I decided to ride the train three days a week.

I started riding the train in June and I’ve actually made a couple of train friends.  These are people who I see on a daily basis.  I would say 95% of the people who ride the train keep to themselves.  They’ll smile and ask me how I’m doing then they put on their headphones and tune everyone else out just listening to the music on their iPhones.  The other 5% are the “odd-balls”.  These are their stories…

Odd-Ball # 1& 2 – On one of my trips home, a guy and girl are sitting in the isle next to my seat.  The girl looks like she’s high on crystal or something.  She’s moaning to herself and seems to be half asleep.  Her companion just sits there with his hand on her knee.  He’s been pretty quiet the entire train ride when suddenly he shouts at the top of his voice, “Masturbation is OK as long as it’s with yourself!”  The other passengers quickly glance at him then overt their eyes in another direction as to not make direct eye contact with him.  He doesn’t say another work the entire trip.  I’ve seen him a couple of more times but he’s never shouted any other sexual tips since that time.

Odd-Ball #3 – There’s a guy that sometimes gets on at Nordahl.  He’s not a regular commuter, but all passengers know when he’s on the train.  He smells so horribly of cigarette that we all think he bathes in cigarette ashes.  His smell stinks up the entire train car.  It’s so bad that when I see him come aboard, I’ll move to a different train car.  I have noticed that several other passengers do the same thing when they see him get aboard.  I can’t believe that he doesn’t smell himself or notice that people around him scatter when he finally chooses a seat.

Odd-Ball #4 – Today I get on at my normal stop and two stops later a “normal” looking guy gets on and sits in the seat opposite me.  He smiles and places his backpack in the empty seat next to him and starts digging through it.  He brings out five finger nail polishes each in a different color.  Pink, White, Yellow, Blue and glitter red.  He then proceeds to start painting each finger a different color.  The other passengers look at him and just raise an eyebrow then go back to their own business.  By the time the train gets to my stop, he’s painted all his finger nails and has removed his shoes and socks and started painting his toenails.  I tried to get a picture but just couldn’t do it without it being obvious.

I still get people asking my why I ride the train when I have a perfectly good car.  Well the train is cheaper than driving, less stressful, there’s no traffic to deal with and like the stories above, there’s always something interesting going on. 

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