Archive for the ‘Dogs’ Category

Ahhh pets… For those of us who don’t have kids, our pets are our children.  Bogie my dog, is highly intelligent yet slightly neurotic.  We’ve trained him to ring a doorbell when he wants to go outside.  Unfortunately, sometimes his neurotic side kicks in and he rings the doorbell just because.  Sometimes he rings the doorbell because we wants to race across the lawn and bark at any birds that are trespassing and roosting on the fence.  Or maybe he’ll ring it to check that the lizard isn’t invading in the corner.

Well it has been raining pretty frequently here in California and my backyards’ drainage system just hasn’t been keeping up with the rain and as a result I basically have a small pond in my lawn.  So last night when Bogie rang the doorbell, I hesitated thinking that he’d just run through the pond and track in a bunch of mud on his way in or check the corner for his nemesis the lizard.  I ignored Bogie’s doorbell the first time and asked him “Do you really need to go out?” and continued to clean the kitchen.  Bogie rings the doorbell again and turns and looks at me.  As he’s looking at me, and as I’m headed toward the door, Bogie uncontrollably releases diarrhea on the carpet!

Apparently, yes he really did need to go out!

My automatic reaction is to shout NOOOOOOOOOOO, even as the evil continues to cascade from Bogie’s bowels.  Bogie is now scared of his loving mom shouting NOOOOOO and running towards him and the door.  He takes a step back, paw landing right into his fresh steamy pile.  Just as I’m about to reach him he takes off around the living room, leaving fresh poop marks with every step he takes.  OMG BOGIE!!! STOPPEN!  (German for stop or freeze)

Bogie timidly stops and his little doberman ears go into “Yoda” mode which means he knows he’s done something bad (even if it was an accident).  Poop is everywhere!  There’s a trail of it in various circles all over the living room.  FOREVER UNCLEAN!!

I walk Bogie out into the garage, fill my garden bucket with water, put on some super heavy duty kitchen gloves and start washing his paws.  As I walked back into the house and stand at the kitchen surveying the damage, the smell Lord the smell!

Resolve Carpet Cleaner? Check!
Gloves? Check!
Scrubby Brush? Check!
Despair and anger with a dash of humiliation? Double Check…

An hour later with a blister on my thumb from scrubbing, the carpet has no more poop marks.  Instead now it has these bright clean spots sporadically spaced around the living room.  I can just see my welcome greeting to any future guests, “Welcome to my home, pay no attention to the shit stains…”

So this morning after a really good night sleep, I open the door to my room and I’m greeted by the familiar stench of dog poop.  Yeah, today I’ll be calling a carpet cleaner to come and thoroughly clean the evil that inherently still resides in the carpet.

Poor Bogie and his loose bowels.  I guess this will teach me to get the doorbell on Bogie’s first ring…


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My Fur-Son

As most of you know, I don’t have children of my own but I do have a precocious fur-son; Bogie the Doberman.  Bogie is a character to say the least.  He borders on being OCD with his constant need to check the backyard for intruders (birds, lizards, insects etc); his continual need to use your leg as a napkin and his addiction to attacking water coming out of a hose.  Everyday he does something that makes us say “Really?”.

One of the comical habits he has developed is being the front yard sentry for the neighbor’s cat.  We’ve trained Bogie so that he is not to leave the sidewalk.  He can run from one side of the front yard to the other but he cannot step one foot on the street.  As such, the neighbor’s cat has learned that Bogie will not advance across the street to attack.  So now when the cat sees that Bogie is in the front yard, the cat will sit in the middle of the driveway and watch Bogie from across the street.  A stalemate has developed as neither will cross the street to engage the enemy.  This has resulted in Bogie pounding his feet in frustration, loud vocal whines and various mock charges which promptly stops at the edge of the sidewalk.  He will stand in his sentry position for an hour if we let him.  Occasionally the cat will start cleaning itself and Bogie will raise his hackles and the mock charges will begin again.  It’s as if the street is a treacherous moat.  Bogie will look at the cat and then look at the street then look back at the cat.  He’ll pace the sidewalk looking for a way across that doesn’t involved stepping on the actual street.  You can actually see him trying to figure out a way across.  He’s even gone so far as to step on the small patch of weeds growing out of the street a few inches from the sidewalk; because technically he’s not stepping on the actual street.  Even when there is no cat in the neighbors yard, Bogie will stand perfectly still and wait for the cat to come into view.  I’ve taken a picture of the Bogie statue waiting for the cat to emerge.  He does this so often that the neighbors have asked us what he’s looking at.  I just tell them that Bogie is attempting to “will” the cat to cross the street.

Bogie is scary smart; too smart for his own good sometimes.  Just recently he likes to play Jail Break at his Doggie Day Care.  Bogie has learned how to unlock the pens at his day care.  So last week, Bogie decided that not only would he let himself out, but he would let all the other dogs out as well.  He went from pen to pen, unlocking the gates until all the dogs were freed.  The day care had twenty dogs running loose in the facility all due to Bogie.  When I came to pick him up that day, I arrived to some not-so-happy day care people.  Now there are carabineer locks on all the pens in an attempt to thwart Bogie’s escape antics.  It’s just a matter of time before Bogie finds another weakness or loophole.

So until I have children of my own, I’m content with the endlessly entertaining aspects of my neurotic but highly intelligent dog.

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Another Bogie Mishap…

Well little Bogie is not quite so little anymore.  He weighs a whopping 60 lbs even though he’s only six months old.  And while he is quickly losing his puppy looks he still maintains some of his puppy characteristics.  One of these is the puppy diarrhea  that he gets on a routine basis.  We’ve mentioned it to our vet, but he says its pretty common for puppies to have diarrhea so he’s not too concerned.  Most of the time his little diarrhea plop piles are contained in the yard and while they make it more interesting and difficult to clean, it hasn’t manifested into a “Horror” situation.  That is, until yesterday…

So I take Bogie to the Escondido dog park everyday so he can burn off energy and frustration from being left at home all day.  Everyday we jump into the car and half way to dog park, Bogie starts getting overly excited and starts whimpering as he knows we are getting closer to his favorite destination.  As we get to the dog park, bogie is literally dancing with joy. I walk to the large dog pen with Bogie dancing beside me and we walk inside the main gate.  Usually I unclip Bogie’s leash inside the staging area then open the main gait and let him run off and play.  This time however I kept him clipped to the leash so that I could go over and get some doggie poop bags just in case.  I pulled out three poop bags and stuff them in my pocket.  All this time Bogie is getting overly anxious to be freed.   I started to unclip Bogie’s leash and as soon as Bogie was freed from the leash he launched from his standing position to join the other dogs playing.  Unfortunately the diarrhea that was being stored in his bowels exploded.  The diarrhea literally shot out his butt with such tremendous force that it landed in a plopping stream four feet back and just inches from my legs and other dog owners!

“Good Lord!”,  “Jesus Christ!”, “Look Out!”  Were shouted out by the other owners who narrowly escaped the toxic projectile stream.  I stood back speechless trying to comprehend what had just happened.   It took 8 doggie poop bags and a bucket of water to clean up the four foot long stream plop from the dog park grass.  As I threw the used doggie poop bags into trash one by one, I still cannot believe how close I was to peril!  If I was standing just one inch to the left, I would have been literally COVERED with dog diarrhea!  I shutter at just the thought of it!

Next time I am releasing Bogie in the staging area paying particular attention of staying clear of the deadly diarrhea cannon.

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Bogie’s Issues…

As most of you know, I have a new little fur son.  His name is Bogie and he’s a black and rust Doberman who is now a precocious 5 months old little ball of endless energy.  He is finally fully vaccinated so not only is he going to puppy preschool, but I’ve also been taking him to the Escondido Mayflower dog park.  It is here where my little fur son, tests my patience by what I call “Doggie Rape”.  Let me try to explain.

Two other dogs will be playing together and rough housing by themselves.  Bogie will go over to one of the dogs, grab the dog around the hips and force the dog away from his playmate.  Bogie will then push the dog to the ground where he tries to hump them.  Granted Bogie mostly humps the other dog’s head, but still.  Usually the other dog finally gets up off the ground after a minute or so of head humping and runs away which leaves bogie humping the air.  Bogie will then attempt to recapture his hump target by “Run Humping”.   He takes these giant leaps, trying to grasp the other dog by the hips, while still trying to hump and run at the same time.  This is not only embarrassing but also tiring as I find myself, trying to pull him off other dogs constantly.  One of these days he’s going to grab the wrong dog, who is going to turn around and bite him. 

I explain to the other dog parents that Bogie is still a puppy and hasn’t learn dog manners yet.  Thankfully they offer their assistance by helping me stop his Doggie Rape attempts when he starts his antics near them.   We were going to try to wait a year before Bogie was neutered but at this rate he’ll be lucky if he keeps his family jewels next month!

"I Need Me Some Doggie Puntang!"

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After losing our beloved doberman Moose last year, it was time to bring another family pet back into our home.  So in August I found a Doberman breeder in Phoenix AZ who was scheduled to have pups around the middle of October.  We spoke to the breeder and sent in a deposit for one of the pups.  On December 20th I drove out to Phoenix with a friend to pick up our new little pup.  He was only nine weeks old and was busting at the seems with boundless energy.  His official AKC registered name is Bogartis Maximus Von Vicaral.  AKA Bogie.  After a seven hour car ride, we finally settled in at home.  Now understand that pups don’t have full control over their bowels or bladders for several months.  So when Jeff and I decided to go out to dinner and were going to be gone too long to stick him in his crate, we decided to leave little Bogie in his Pen (A confined area in the house).  Before we left we tried to tire the little guy out so hopefully he’d sleep most of the time we were gone.  We placed him in the pen with several of his toys and chewy items.  While at dinner we speculated what he was doing.  Probably just sleeping and being a good boy.  Oh how wrong we were…

Yeah, all that brown stuff is Poop.  Somehow he managed to poop four times within a three hour window and preceded to redecorate our kitchen floors, cabinets, refrigerator, inside his crate, and his toys with his poop.  We peered over the barricade and he sat there looking at us as if to say, “Look Mom, Look Dad!  Look what I did!  Isn’t it Great!”

The words “GOOD LORD!” escaped Jeff’s lips as we stood there in amazment.  How can something so small cause so much destruction!

I picked Bogie up and marched him to the bathtub where I had to pick out the impacted poop that was mashed up in between his toes.  Jeff started to mop up the mess in the kitchen.  What a mess!

Thankfully as he is now 12 weeks old, he’s learning that rolling and stepping in Poop means he gets an unwelcome bath.  So the Poop redecoration sessions have receded and he now tries to steer clear of the piles.  I’m sure our poop sessions aren’t fully over, but just looking at his little face when he’s done something bad is irresistible even if it does involve Poop.

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Ghost Moose

My posts are usually on the humorous side, so I decided to switch it up and make the hairs on your neck stand up…

For those of you who don’t know this story…  Moose, my beloved doberman died of cancer back in October of 2008.  He was only five years old so when he came down with cancer I was devastated.  I was at Lorretta Lynns Racetrack when I received the grim word from Moose’s vet.  There was nothing that could be done as the cancer had already spread to several other major organs.  We decided that we would let Moose tell us when he was ready to go.  A week later the sparkle in Moose’s eye was gone and he barely moved from where he slept.  We made the tough decision to let him go peacefully and without pain.  He died in our arms at the vet’s office.  It was the saddest most painful day of my entire life.

Because Moose was my child and because I could not bear to have him buried with other dogs or creamated with other dogs, I decided that I would have Moose creamated by himself so that we could have his ashes.  Well it took a couple of weeks but finally Moose came back in a small wooden cedar box labelled “Moose”.  He was placed on the mantel in the living room along with his collar.  That night the visiting began.

Our roommate woke up at about three in the morning to the sound of ringing bells.  Now understand that had I trained Moose to ring these jingle bells when he wanted out.  So the bells are ringing in the living room and our roommate is freaking out because he doesn’t believe in ghosts and he cannot explain what is happening.  Another night goes by and nothing.  Perhaps this was just in our imagination.   The following night, we hear the clicking of Moose’s nails on the hardwood floor walking up and down the hallway.  Over the weekend, we have two guests over who are sleeping in the living room on the pullout couch.  The next morning, we asked the guest how they slept and the guests tell us that the bells were ringing all night and that they couldn’t sleep.  Both myself and my roommate went completely white as it proved it wasn’t just us hearing the bells and wasn’t a figment of our imagination.

So J is home working in the office when he hears the bells ringing in the living room.  He walks out and the bells are swinging from their loop.  Indy Bear (our roommate’s dog) was alseep in the office and the door the bells are attached to is closed.  So J walks over to Moose’s ash box and tells him that nobody can replace the Moose and that we’ll always love him no matter how much time passes.

Moose hasn’t made any kind of appearance since that day.

Make your own conclusion, but it comforts me to think that Moose came back to us, if only for just a little while.



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Odorific Horror

I enjoy hand writing letters to my grandparents, aunts and other family members.  I even seal my hand written letters with a sealing wax and a monogram sealer.  So this past Sunday I was home alone and decided to write my BUG (Back Up Grandparents) a letter.

I pulled out my parchment paper, my sealing wax, the monogram sealer and my fountain pen and started to get to work.  My roommate’s dog Indy Bear walked into the living room and sat down on his bed next to me enjoying the quiet silence of a pen scratching on paper.

Two paragraphs into my letter a hear a disturbing sound       PSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTT… I look down at Indy who’s fast asleep on his bed.  The horror that shortly followed this sound was something directly out of a Dean Koontz novel.  First my nose started to tingle.  Then the thick, cold, noxious cloud hit with full effect.  My eyes started watering and I quickly pulled my shirt up over my nose and mouth.

“Jesus Indy!  What did you eat?  Roadkill?” I gasp

Indy just looks up and licks his lips and I read in his manner  “You ain’t seen nutin yet…”


The toxic cloud slowly dissipates and I try to continue my letter although I do notice that my hands are trembling and I’ve developed a twitch in my left eye.  I see Indy get up and circle his bed, then lay back down.  Then I see it.  I see his stumpy tail lift slightly!  Oh NO!!! Not again!!!

This time its silent, and the shirt covering my nose and mouth is no match for this flatulent monster.  The odor enters my nasal cavity like a midnight rapist!  My chest starts to tighten and I’ve lost all sensation in my face.  My tears have become acid rain droplets.


By this time my shirt is stained with the smell of rancid dog fart and  I’ve resorted to holding a pillow to my face.  I try to continue my letter.  The trembling has gotten worse…

Psssssst….. Pssssssssttttttt…. PSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTT… Pssst

I’ve started to drool at this point and my drool is pooling on my letter.  The ink starts to swirl in the drool pool.   The pillow is saturated with Indy’s onslaught and no longer protects my delicate lungs from his unearthly foulness.  I can no longer see straight and although I’ve tried to leave the couch several times, my legs spasm at my request for locomotion.  My heart palpitations are severe and the ringing in my ears is deafening.

After several minutes of me having an epileptic fit on the couch the air clears and I slowly regain the use of my legs.  All I can think about is clean fresh air, void of any after effects of Indy’s dinner at the Cat Poop Buffet.  I struggle to my feet and the room starts spinning… The door… I must get to the door…

Finally I make it to the door just as Indy lets loose another barrage of toxic waste. I open the door and a blast of clean crisp air enters my badly scorched lungs.  AIR!!!

I know now the devil resides in Indy’s bowels.  I’ve clearly angered this demon and although I am considering calling an exorcist, I’ve decided to stop by G.I. Joe’s for a gas mask.  Hopefully they have one in pink.

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