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Posts Tagged ‘Poop’

Ahhh pets… For those of us who don’t have kids, our pets are our children.  Bogie my dog, is highly intelligent yet slightly neurotic.  We’ve trained him to ring a doorbell when he wants to go outside.  Unfortunately, sometimes his neurotic side kicks in and he rings the doorbell just because.  Sometimes he rings the doorbell because we wants to race across the lawn and bark at any birds that are trespassing and roosting on the fence.  Or maybe he’ll ring it to check that the lizard isn’t invading in the corner.

Well it has been raining pretty frequently here in California and my backyards’ drainage system just hasn’t been keeping up with the rain and as a result I basically have a small pond in my lawn.  So last night when Bogie rang the doorbell, I hesitated thinking that he’d just run through the pond and track in a bunch of mud on his way in or check the corner for his nemesis the lizard.  I ignored Bogie’s doorbell the first time and asked him “Do you really need to go out?” and continued to clean the kitchen.  Bogie rings the doorbell again and turns and looks at me.  As he’s looking at me, and as I’m headed toward the door, Bogie uncontrollably releases diarrhea on the carpet!

Apparently, yes he really did need to go out!

My automatic reaction is to shout NOOOOOOOOOOO, even as the evil continues to cascade from Bogie’s bowels.  Bogie is now scared of his loving mom shouting NOOOOOO and running towards him and the door.  He takes a step back, paw landing right into his fresh steamy pile.  Just as I’m about to reach him he takes off around the living room, leaving fresh poop marks with every step he takes.  OMG BOGIE!!! STOPPEN!  (German for stop or freeze)

Bogie timidly stops and his little doberman ears go into “Yoda” mode which means he knows he’s done something bad (even if it was an accident).  Poop is everywhere!  There’s a trail of it in various circles all over the living room.  FOREVER UNCLEAN!!

I walk Bogie out into the garage, fill my garden bucket with water, put on some super heavy duty kitchen gloves and start washing his paws.  As I walked back into the house and stand at the kitchen surveying the damage, the smell Lord the smell!

Resolve Carpet Cleaner? Check!
Gloves? Check!
Scrubby Brush? Check!
Despair and anger with a dash of humiliation? Double Check…

An hour later with a blister on my thumb from scrubbing, the carpet has no more poop marks.  Instead now it has these bright clean spots sporadically spaced around the living room.  I can just see my welcome greeting to any future guests, “Welcome to my home, pay no attention to the shit stains…”

So this morning after a really good night sleep, I open the door to my room and I’m greeted by the familiar stench of dog poop.  Yeah, today I’ll be calling a carpet cleaner to come and thoroughly clean the evil that inherently still resides in the carpet.

Poor Bogie and his loose bowels.  I guess this will teach me to get the doorbell on Bogie’s first ring…

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Life’s Sense of Humor

It’s true that life can be trying.  It can be hard and it can definitely be cruel.  But on the other hand, life is not without its sense of humor.  Those off-the-wall acts that life throws us that are randomly funny.  I have two random stories that happened in the last week.

 

Last weekend I shot some pictures of the motocross race at Pala Raceway.  I’ve been shooting motocross pictures for a couple of years now, so I’m used to being peppered with loose dirt and the occasional small clumped mud pucks.  When you’re up close and personal with the riders and their machines, a little dirt throwing is to be expected.

 

So I’m shooting pictures of Ryan Dungey in a straight away with a small jump that riders launch over.  Ryan’s now on his sixth lap and I’m preparing to take another shot just as he passes me.  Unfortunately as he passed me his rear tire dislodged a one pound rock from the track surface and the momentum of the bike combined the centrifugal force of the tire, hurled the rock right towards my right boob.  The impact of the rock hitting my boob made me take a step back.  Yeah it stung just a weeeeeeeeeee bit.  Luckily the rock missed my camera lens.  Sadly I’d rather a rock hit my boob than take out my precious camera lens.  When the race was over I made my way to one of the race rigs and took a quick peak at the injured boob.  A medium sized welt and a blueish mark where the rock hit.  Not too bad…  However the next morning the bruising had time to set in.  There was a deep black circle mark about two inches wide followed by angry red and purple flares that extended out from the impact mark.  YUMMY!   Its day five now and thankfully what was purple is now a greenish yellow and what was black is now purple-ish red.   So thanks Ryan for the rock hickie.  I should have gotten it autographed.

 

The second random story just happened yesterday on my way home from work.  The weather in southern California has been wonderful lately.  Hovering in the low 80s during the day and dropping to the 60s at night.  So while on my way home from work I usually open my sunroof to let in the fresh air.  The route from my office to the freeway takes me past an Exxon station.  This Exxon station is the home roost for what must be thousands of pigeons.  If they aren’t on the roof of the station they’re on the power lines just above the station.  I’m stopped at a red light and just as the light turns green the pigeons take off from the roof of the station.  They’re making slow circles over the road in one huge flock.  Life has timed it perfectly that when I accelerate at the green light my car is in the direct poop path of one of the pigeons.  The poop drops right through the sunroof and splats on my elbow and arm which are resting on the armrest.  Thankfully I have hundreds of napkins in my glovebox and quickly clean up the mess.  Gross to say the least but also funny that a perfectly timed release of pigeon poop matched the speed and velocity of my vehicle to hit me perfectly on the elbow.

 

So when life seems hard, just think it could always be worse.  Life could literally shit on you.

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Moral Fiber

Who can resist a poem about Poop!!

MORAL FIBER
By Nathan “HuckleBerry” Giardina

Over here, over here, I want you to hear,
This tale of terror that you shall revere,
I shall spit, as you sit, tit-for-tat and tat-for-tit,
Of a day I spent with my rear done bent,
Over a marbled throne of porceline bone!
And the shit it did roll, like I’ve been tolled,
For all of the sins of my past all rolled, and rolled
Into one long payment, by god! It was cement!
Hardend from years that I could not repent!
Oh repent that I would and I could though I can’t!
For now I abide by the tide of a bowl as I rant
For my bowels to flow and flow, and fucking flow!
And still here my eyes are scrunched, slammed shut,
Trying to rid my ribs of evil through my butt!
OUT!  Out demons!  Out foul deeds! Out cursed things!
At last with tempest force, and a sereph sings!
A blessing did pass through my ass to below
A splash and a sinking, though stinking shall grow,
And I, I did gasp, for my life it did pass
‘cross my eyes, and now only sighs tresspass
From my lips as I wipe what remains of my sin!
Mark now my words, and impart to your kin,
Though fiber you have, moral fiber you’re lacking
And without such, hell is a daily shellacking!

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LET LOOSE THE KRAKEN!

After losing our beloved doberman Moose last year, it was time to bring another family pet back into our home.  So in August I found a Doberman breeder in Phoenix AZ who was scheduled to have pups around the middle of October.  We spoke to the breeder and sent in a deposit for one of the pups.  On December 20th I drove out to Phoenix with a friend to pick up our new little pup.  He was only nine weeks old and was busting at the seems with boundless energy.  His official AKC registered name is Bogartis Maximus Von Vicaral.  AKA Bogie.  After a seven hour car ride, we finally settled in at home.  Now understand that pups don’t have full control over their bowels or bladders for several months.  So when Jeff and I decided to go out to dinner and were going to be gone too long to stick him in his crate, we decided to leave little Bogie in his Pen (A confined area in the house).  Before we left we tried to tire the little guy out so hopefully he’d sleep most of the time we were gone.  We placed him in the pen with several of his toys and chewy items.  While at dinner we speculated what he was doing.  Probably just sleeping and being a good boy.  Oh how wrong we were…

Yeah, all that brown stuff is Poop.  Somehow he managed to poop four times within a three hour window and preceded to redecorate our kitchen floors, cabinets, refrigerator, inside his crate, and his toys with his poop.  We peered over the barricade and he sat there looking at us as if to say, “Look Mom, Look Dad!  Look what I did!  Isn’t it Great!”

The words “GOOD LORD!” escaped Jeff’s lips as we stood there in amazment.  How can something so small cause so much destruction!

I picked Bogie up and marched him to the bathtub where I had to pick out the impacted poop that was mashed up in between his toes.  Jeff started to mop up the mess in the kitchen.  What a mess!

Thankfully as he is now 12 weeks old, he’s learning that rolling and stepping in Poop means he gets an unwelcome bath.  So the Poop redecoration sessions have receded and he now tries to steer clear of the piles.  I’m sure our poop sessions aren’t fully over, but just looking at his little face when he’s done something bad is irresistible even if it does involve Poop.

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