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Archive for April, 2009

My most recent business trip took me to Seattle, Washington.  I flew in Thursday as the show I needed to attend was on Thursday night.  On Friday I met up with FoFo from Transworld Motocross Magazine and K from Acerbis.  We toured the Seattle Farmers market and literally ate our way around the market.  Everything was SO good.  We watched the Fish Company throw fish from one person to another.  K got some good pictures of the fish flying through the air.

We stopped in at a cheese making store and FoFo bought French Onion Soup, K bought Mac and Cheese and I bought the Mediterranean Cheese Pasta.  So we sit down at the bar that overlooks the cheese making process.  I watch the cheese maker drain the hot curds of cheese out of this large tub.  He’s leaning over the tub, mixing the curds and breaking them into smaller chunks.  Then I see a drop of sweat work its way down the cheese worker’s forehead and stop at the tip of his nose.

“No No NO NOOOOOOO!!!!”

I see the drop of sweat leave his nose and land in the pile of curds!

“EEEEEWWWWWW!!!”

I look down at my half eaten cheese pasta. “EEEWWWWW!!!”

Funny thing is that there is a sign above the curds that reads… “We add salt for flavor”.

So after our excursion to the market we booked it to Pioneer Square where we had signed up to walk the Underground.  The Underground is a walking tour below the city streets of Seattle.  The Seattle city streets used to be 20 feet lower than they are presently.  This tour takes you through the old city streets and buildings that are now underground.

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The above image was the front of building that used to be street side.

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Overall it was really cool.  The best part was as we were walking up some stairs, a rat ran across FoFo’s shoe and started running (actually staggering is more like it) towards me.  There was rat poison set out everywhere so I think this rat was dying as normal rats run pretty fast and don’t run like they were drunk on cheap vodka.  Regardless, I did the “Ewwww” dance and high tailed it to the back of the tour group!

If you don’t know what the “Ewwww” dance is, let me explain it.  The “Ewwww” dance is mostly performed by women but I have seen some men do this dance move too.  Basically the hands are held close to the mouth and are usually shaking violently while the feet are doing quick little baby steps in the same location.   The dancer is usually either screaming or squeeling then runs away as fast as humanly possible.

I myself wasn’t screaming or squeeling but i was repeating the word “Eww Eww Eww Eww!”

Saturday was the Supercross and FoFo, Kat, Jon and I went to dinner before the race.  Being that we were in the fresh seafood capital, FoFo convinced me that I had to try Oysters.  I had attempted to try oysters in the past.  However once their slimy bodies touched my tongue I instantly and uncontrollably spat it across the room.  Embarrassed and humiliated I vowed never to try oysters again.  But FoFo has a way with words and persuaded me to try them again.   The plate with four different varieties of oysters arrived along with a spicy salsa to add to the critters.  I watched FoFo prepare my first oyster.  He cut the body from the shell and added the spicy salsa then handed it and a mini fork to me.  I gathered the oyster in the mini fork and slipped it in my mouth.  Surprisingly no gag reflex arose!  I managed to keep the oyster in my mouth AND swallow it!  It was actually really good and the salsa added a nice spice to the delicate sea critter.

The Supercross was a great show!  The complaints from the riders about the poor track conditions and the complaints from the attendees about the $50.00 parking fees was flowing like cheap wine… I took a taxi to avoid the parking fee rape.  The track was slow and tight and made for some good racing.  The dirt was loose and deteriorated very quickly.  There were some surprising race results at the end of the day!  Read all about the Seattle supercross in Transworld Motocross Magazine!

The seattle trip was amazing and I am already looking forward to next year!  More gorging at the farmers market, more munching on sweat cheese, more rat dancing, more oyster eating!!  Bring it On!

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New Seats On AA Flights!

I fly quite often on business.  Fortunately for me I get to book my own flights to wherever my destination may be.  My choice airline is American as I have quite a few thousand miles and I get upgraded to first class on occasion.

Well one of my trips was going to take me to Florida so I booked flight with a layover in Dallas.  After I purchased my flight I went back to choose the seats that I want just in case I’m not upgraded to first class.  On this particular flight apparently American Airlines added a new “Thrill” seat as shown below.

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This particular seat, Number -A14 was located outside the plane just before the wing!  I tried like hell to book this seat but unfortunately the seat was already grayed which meant that the seat had already been booked.  DAMN IT MAN!!  I so wanted to feel the 595 MPH wind gently blow across my face as we flew over Arizona, New Mexico and Texas.

I’ve had numerous business trips since my trip to Florida but I have never come across the -A14 seat again.  😦

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T-Shirt Comments

For those of you that really know me, know that I love getting a rouse out of people.  Whether its by playing a practical joke on someone or doing something that makes people go WTF?!

Take for example the practical joke I played on one of my coworkers.  I went to a beauty supply store and bought some fake hair that kinda matched the hair color of this male coworker (Even though he’s just about bald).  I braided the hair into two long ropey braids.  I then took the coworkers streetbike helmet when he was out in the warehouse.  I shut my office door and proceeded to sew the braids into the liner of the helmet.  When I was finished I rolled them into the helmet and stuffed his gloves inside the helmet to hide the braids.  When the gloves would be removed the braids would uncoil and hang down.  So… 5:00 comes around and I leave my office keeping an eye on the coworker as he picked up his helmet and jacket.  Just about to the door he pulls the gloves out of the helmet and the braids uncoil just as planned.  He did a double take on the long brown braids now physically attached to the helmet liner.  The expression on his face almost made me pee my pants.

But most recently I bought a special T-Shirt from Tshirthell.com.  Its the best place to find crude and funny shirts.  So this shirt is green and has a pleasant phrase on the front..  “I Washed My Ass Today, Just in Case”.

ass

I usually wear this shirt whenever I’m flying somewhere.  So on the trip home from the Seattle supercross going through the airport security line of course I am wearing my Ass shirt.  I get my two trays and remove my jacket. I make my way to the Xray machine, suddenly the Xray technician sees the shirt and starts laughing so hard he’s just about crying.  He called other security agents to come and check out my shirt.  There are now about nine security officers making there way towards me.  I walk through the metal detector and towards my stuff which is now exiting the machine.  At this point I’m surrounded by security officers who are reading the shirt and laughing.  Other commuters are now staring at me trying to figure out why there are about twelve officers surrounding me.  I love it!

The best part is the elderly or prudes that read the shirt.  They give me snears and look the other way.  Now really!  Isn’t the point in life to have a good time and laugh about the little things along the way?  So what’s the next shirt that I buy read?

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or maybe…

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Or

a1002_thumb

or even this?

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Isn’t life great!?

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The Fluffy Nabber!

So I came from from work the other day and opened the garage to pull my car in.  Normally my roommate’s dog flys out of the garage faster than an illegal alien towards the subterranean tunnel.  But this day there was no Indy!  Instead there were little bits of his dog bed fluff all over the garage floor.  So I pulled in the garage and shut the garage door thinking that maybe my roommate was home and Indy was in the house already.  I unlocked the door to the house… No Indy.  So I think that the roommate has taken Indy on a run and that I had the house to myself.

I make up a bowl of cereal (cereal is of course… The food of the GODS) and sit on the couch.  Probably an hour goes by and I see just out of the corner of my eye Indy in the backyard in the typical “Poop Stance”.  Oh there you are!  So I let him do his doggie doodie and I’ll let him in the house when he’s finished.  Well quite some time has gone by and Indy is STILL in the Poop Stance.  He sees me looking at him through the sliding glass door and he poop scoots over to me.

I finally see the horror …

Indy has eaten some of the bed fluff and the bed fluff is hanging out of his ass.  He’s unable to poop out the entire bed fluff so about five inches is hanging out swaying in the breeze.  Well Indy’s obviously in some discomfort as he’s scooting around on the grass and goes back into the Poop Stance without any good results.  God only knows how long he’s been scooting and squatting in the yard.

I swallow my pride, go into the garage and put on some rubber gloves.

I walk out to were Indy is squatting, lift up his little stumpy tail with my left hand and grab the fluff with my right.  I start to pull the fluff out of his ass.  The fluff slowly comes out and once the last bit left Indy’s scooted raw ass he zooms around the yard like he’s been freed from a Turkish prison!

Indy is zooming around my feet and jumping up for joy. I’m disgusted and proud of myself at the same time.

I guess I can consider myself a hero for a day even if it was to pull bed fluffing out of a dog’s ass…

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So my brother and I have a fun relationship.  We’re not the usual squabbling siblings.  Growing up in a small town where our friends lived several miles away forced us to become each others best friend.  As a result we developed unique games, ideas and even religions.  Take for example the religion that we developed called Yammyanity.  One of the rules of Yammyanity is an idea called the “Hatty”.  A Hatty is basically a promise but… there’s a twist.  If you break a Hatty (by a lie or don’t fulfill the promise) the person to whom you hattied can take any toy they wanted regardless of how expensive or treasured is it.  The result was that a Hatty promise was NEVER broken.

Another one of our made up games was called PEOMS.  No I didn’t mispell POEM.  Its called a PEOM.  A peom involves a group of random words and the person must develop a poem from the list of words.  Sometimes the Peoms are funny sometimes they are serious.  One of my favorites is shown below along with the group of words that were given.  Now I feel I must explain a little before you read on.  I collect trash along side freeway 8 near Buckman Springs with the San Diego Off-Road Coalition.  Our most common trash item are jugs piss, fat chick pornos, and empty beer cans.  With that said, read on…

WORDS:

Dude Ranch
The Phrase “I Love My Ears!”
Orange
Edge
Cricket
Woofer
Paperclip
Sip

Here’s the PEOM titled:

ODE TO A JUG OF PISS I FOUND ON THE 23rd MILE MARKER

Take a sip off this jug, and let me account for the ways,
That you’ll twitch and spasm and convulse for days,
Is it orange? Is it brown? Is it yellow? Is it red?
These festive Autumn colors swirling in my head.

We harvest every year, along the side of the 8,
Collect your piss jugs from the hot sun before its too late,
The taste is quite edgy, and won’t be long corked,
Damn look at all the porn of fat chicks getting porked.

To swallow a gulp of our concoction is a kin to drinking,
Watered rusty paper clips and stapler sprinklings,
I’m not going to vomit, I’m no woofer it’s true,
But the taste of this piss brew is something quite new!

My taste buds must love it, for I’m crying tears of Joy!
They are running down my face, accompanied by a soft sobbing noise,
I love my taste buds and treat them to everything pro-bono,
Like I love my ears and I play plenty of Yoko Ono.

Well the twitching now stopped, and I can see a bright light,
But I’m starting to stutter and something still isn’t quite right,
But like a newb at a dude ranch who fell off his horse,
I must take another sip, I can’t resist the jug’s force.

Well I’ll take another sip, of this jugged Highway Brew,
I won’t drink it all, I’ll save some for you,
And make sure to start your own batch, along a lonely highway or road,
But hide it quite well, someone might steal your mother load!

By Huckleberry

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Tender Lady Bits…

The things I do in the name of womanly fashion… Waxing, tweazing, shaving – all fail in comparison to the “Laser Hair Removal Treatments” I endure every ten weeks.  Yes I am tired of shaving “Hooville” otherwise known as the bikini area.  And Yes I actually paid to get zapped by a laser for about an hour.  You might say to yourself… “What’s the big deal?  Its just the bikini Line area!”  Well it actually is called the Brazilian Bikini laser treatment.  That means EVERYTHING! Every little inch of skin from front to back gets the laser. Now I’m not a hairy person but I’m tired of the shaving, the red bumps and the ingrown hairs that accompany shaving and waxing.

If you’ve never had anything lasered then let me describe it… First you undress and then put on some rose colored “Laser” sunglasses.  The technician checks to make sure you’ve shaved everything properly then pours this slimy goop over every inch of skin that will be treated.  The goop is cool and feels soothing.  That is until the laser beings.  A laser gun is held to the skin and you hear a small snap.  The sharp needle pain that shortly follows is eye watering and closely resembles a small rubber band being snapped on your tender skin.  Over fatty issue it’s not so bad.  But over skin with little fat and especially over bone/tendons the pain is particularly sharp.   I’m given a little squeezy ball to help me endure the pain.  The problem is… The higher intensity the laser – the faster you lose the hair – which unfortunately results in more pain.  Less Intensity=less pain.   I’m on a very high setting as I want this process over as soon as possible.

I’ve just had my tenth session and they’ve increased the level of intensity… Unfortunately I’m feeling the affects.  I’m sitting down like a geriatric woman with a hemorrhoid the size of Texas.  Slow and steady.  I prepare to sit by grabbing my chain arm rests, then slowly lower my body down on the cushion.  I find that “Lemas Breathing” helps.  The tenderness will fade as the day goes on and by 5:00 I’ll be back to normal.

So are these self inflicted sesions of pain worth it?  After feeling the hairless baby smooth skin…  HELL YEAH!

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