A Foe So Heinous!

Ah summer.  The warmth, the never-ending cloudless skies, the very sounds of summer are usually a welcome season attraction.  However my summer hasn’t started off as a vacationers dream.  Since the beginning of the warmer nights, I have been tortured by a foe so heinous and evil that Hitler himself would be envious.  Night after night this foe applies its signature torture technique, and night after sleepless night, a piece of my sanity vacates my tortured brain.  Feelings of mild annoyance quickly evolved into a deep rooted hatred that again festered into murderous rage as each sleepless night slowly and painfully passed.  What kind of creature could cause such extreme hatred and rage in a usually calm and happy person such as myself?  The Northern Mockingbird screaming outside my bedroom window.

Found this on a google search

This beady eyed devil has chosen to stake a tree in my yard as its home roost and while you’d expect to hear birds chirping in the day time, what you don’t expect is to be serenaded by the loud “singing” of a bird from 11:30 pm to 6:00 am every night.  I quote the “singing” because this spawn of Satan’s song isn’t the typical bird song.  He’s a lone bachelor Mockingbird.  That means he’s vying for mate and impressing her by copying the sounds he hears on a daily basis.  So while you may envision the melodic songs of most birds that could possibly soothe you to sleep, in reality this Mockingbird is “singing” sounds in the middle of the night that range from loud squawks to car alarms to school recess bells.  I’d like to see how well you sleep when from the tree outside your bedroom you constantly hear WeeeeWooooWeeeeeWooooo WooopWoooop Wooooop Woooop at all hours of the night.

And don’t even talk to me about white noise to drown out the Devil Bird’s song.  He sings so loud that his song is the only thing you hear.  I don’t like to use my AC too much, instead I like to sleep with the window slightly open to allow for some cool fresh air.  Unfortunately that luxury comes at the cost of doubling the acoustic clarity of the Mockingbirds song.  And no ear plugs aren’t an option.  I move so much in my sleep that they always fall out.  So do I stifle myself all summer in order to get some sleep?

NO!  I will wage war on this bastard bird! Begin Operation Osama Bird Laden!

June 5th

• 10:00 PM: I spray the tree that Osama Bird Laden has chosen to roost in every night with water.  A wet tree isn’t a comfortable tree!
• 10:15 PM Wait for Bird Laden to begin his serenade at 11:30pm
• 11:35 PM: Osama Bird Laden is cleverer than I thought! Instead of roosting in the wet tree outside my window he’s chosen to roost in the neighbor’s tree across the street. Not exactly a victory but at least the loudness of the song has been decreased slightly.
• 11:40 PM: I investigate which tree the bird has chosen now to see if I can spray the bird with water. Sadly my hose won’t reach the new tree and he continues his song.  Restless sleep for me but at least it’s some sleep.

June 8^th

• Researching various methods of getting rid of Mockingbirds. Unfortunately Mockingbirds are a federally protected species and I’m not allowed to kill the bird, even with a plea by “Reason of Insanity”.
• I put the guns back in safe. Damn!
• Have discovered a bird repelling laser device! Instantly ordered online and waiting for device to arrive! For what’s left of my sanity, this device can’t arrive soon enough!

June 14th

• And epic battle is currently playing out in my neighborhood. On one front, Osama Bird Laden on the other, a microphoned quincinera DJ!  While both are annoying, I’m slightly hopeful that the bass thumping of the DJ’s tuba groove is enough to force Osama Bird Laden to roost in another tree at the opposite edge of his territory.  Unfortunately the quincinera DJ raises the white flag at 12:05 am and Osama Bird Laden sings his victory till 6:30 am.  No sleep for me.

June 15^th

• 11:45 AM: Still no laser device and Osama Bird Laden is 15 minutes into his serenade. Reach for the gun or close the window?  Reluctantly I bypass my gun, get up and close the window and turn the fan on high.
• 2:00 AM: I’m Screaming “DOESN’T THIS BIRD EVER FUCKING SLEEP??!!“

June 15^th

• Decided to try to go to bed earlier so that I’m hopefully dead asleep by the time Bird Laden begins his song.
• 9:30 PM: Going to bed.
• 11:35 PM: Woken up by loud screech followed by mimicked car alarm from Osama Bird Laden. FUCK!!!

June 19^th

• 1:30 AM: Bird Laden has moved to the tree in our front yard. The singing is exceptionally loud now.  I’ve had enough.  I go out to the front yard and hear the familiar “Squawk” sound which means “predator” AKA me.  Get hose out and start spraying the tree with water.  I see Bird Laden fly to the tree across the street.  YES!  Score 1 Farrah. I happily go back inside to sleep.
• 1:45 AM: Bird Laden returns to the front yard tree again. GRRRRRR My rage is growing.  Go out to the front yard again, and spray Bird Laden out of the tree… again.  And sure enough Bird Laden takes off to the other tree across the street and this time instead of just going back inside, I stand there just waiting for him to return.  After 5 minutes I go back inside.  Ahhh peace and quiet.
• 2:00 AM: Bird Laden is back in the front yard tree. This time I’m done.  If I have to camp out all night in my front yard I will.  I go back outside, but pull the hose around the front of the tree.  Drought my ass, nothing is going to stop me from blasting this damn bird out of the tree.  FINALLY Bird Laden takes off to a different tree father down the street.  Even though the bird is gone from the tree I’m continuing to cover every inch of it in water.  Decided to stand in my driveway to “claim” my territory.  After 15 minutes of just standing there I hear Bird Laden start to sing from a tree several houses down.  The song’s volume thankfully muted.  I WIN!  Finally get half a good night’s sleep.

June 21^st

• Decided my hose nozzle isn’t strong enough to reach the top of the front yard tree. Need something that will blast the feathers off the devil bird.  So J and I head to Home Depot to get a bird water cannon. “Uh excuse me sir, I’m looking for a hose nozzle so strong it will blast a bird singing in a tree into outer space.  Do you have that? No? Well what about a hose nozzle so powerful it makes a bird singing in a tree spontaneously combust into a liquefied mess? Again No?  Damn!”

June 21^nd & June 22nd

• Did not hear Osama Bird Laden last night. Nope not one peep! Hoping he was a father’s day meal for a red tailed hawk or that his nightly calls drew the attention of a hungry barn owl.  Whatever the case it was SO nice to have complete silence since the beginning of summer.

June 24th

• Bird Laser device FINALLY arrived! Farrah doing happy dance! I’m planning on going Seal Team 6 on that Bastard Bird tonight!
• 8:30PM: I’m wanting to test bird laser so bad and unfortunately there’s not a bird to be found in my neighborhood. WTF? Every other day/night they’re constantly around! Even that night Bird Laden never made a sound.  Hmmmm does the bird laser work so well that you don’t even need to turn it on?  Not that I’m complaining but I kind of wanted to test the laser to see if it even works.

June 27^th

• Seal Team 6 Failed! The laser device kind of works and kind of doesn’t.  It works when you can see the bird and point the laser directly at them.  When it’s dark out and the bird is cloaked by tree leaves, unfortunately it doesn’t work so well.  You can move the laser all over the tree but it doesn’t have the same effect as when you can point it directly at them.  The laser doesn’t hurt them, they just move from their location when the laser hits them.  The water cannon works better than the laser.  I’ll stick with the water cannon.

Found this on a google search

I’ve come to realize that I’ve lost this war with Osama Bird Laden.  If it were legal to pepper the tree he roosts in with my shot gun I would have won this war on day one.  Unfortunately for me this isn’t an option.  So my only resolution is to turn my bedroom fans on high to generate enough white noise to silence the devil bird’s incessant calls all night.  Granted it feels like I’m sleeping in a wind tunnel but it does allow me to get some much needed sleep.  Hopefully in a couple of weeks he’ll move on to another location and I can finally get back to my normal sleep routine.  Until then I hang my head in shame whenever I see him in his tree.  I know he’s laughing his tail off at my expense and probably flipping me the wing behind my back all the while saying to himself, “Tonight I’ll be extra loud! More car alarms and more car honks!  She’ll love it!”

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