Archive for September, 2014

The Fantasy football draft has come and gone. This was my first year drafting my own team and I must say in the days leading up to the draft my anxiety and stress levels were at record highs.  So much so that during the draft my hands were sweating and I wouldn’t let Jeff out of my sight for quick player consults during my 90 seconds of draft time.  While I didn’t get most of my first picks, I do think I have a pretty solid team this year. 

I am truly addicted to fantasy football.  I count the days until football starts during the off-season.  And when I watch the games I’m constantly checking my player score to see how I’m performing.  In the week leading up to the games, I check my team’s status so many times throughout the day it borders on obsessive.  Each morning when the player reports come out I dread to see the loathed “Q”, “P”, “SSPD”, “O” or ”IR” (Questionable, Probable, Suspended, Out, Injured) next to my players’ names.  Unfortunately after checking this morning three of my players are now listed as “Q”!  NOOOOOOOOOO!  Instantly I search my bench to see I have any quality players that could possibly take their place if they don’t end up playing.  In a panic I check to see if there are any available players that I could add to my roster for a just in case scenario.  Ahhhhhh!  There’s nobody left of any points quality!  The fact that I can only make changes to my roster up until a certain point and then I’m locked out, just heightens my stress.  But I live for this kind of stress!  Fantasy football is exhilarating, exciting, and frustrating at the same time and I love it!

The first game is tonight and I’m actually projected to win against my opponent “KungPao KittyLickers” by 20 points.  However if those “Q” (Questionable) players don’t actually play, I’m FUBAR’D!  So come game time, I’ll be glued to my cell phone constantly checking my scores as my players cycle through various games. 


It’s Sunday night and it’s time for my draft,
I check the order and I got the shaft.
3rd year in a row that I’m the ninth pick,
Just one pick after Team “Eric’s a Dick.”

I enter the draft and read all the names:
Joke after joke it’s always the same.
“Teblow” is first and selects A.P.
Next is “Hernandez” then “Vick’s Dawgs” at three.

My strategy is simple and I have no regrets:
Don’t draft a soul from the Raiders or Jets.
Running backs are sketchy and are hard to replace.
So I draft Tom Brady because he is a face.

If “so and so” wins it would make me sick,
After each selection he chats “terrible pick.”
I claim that he studied two weeks in advance,
As I go on a rant and spill beer on my pants.

I filled the positions and I think that I’m fine.
Turns out my whole team’s got a Bye on Week 9.
By the tenth round I’m bored drafting D’s on the pooper.
While some asshole decides to draft Riley Cooper.

When the draft is all finished it’s the same deal.
I get five different texts saying, “my team is unreal.”
50 bucks later with a roster I hate,
I close my comp with a smile, and say “that was great.”

By Eric Simon


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